Today I was forced to look at myself and really come to terms with what that “L” word really means to me. I looked at the events of the present, the past, and even dreamed of ones of a hopeful future.
As I look into my past, I realize how immature I once was and even still am, I recklessly used a word without realizing the magnitude of it’s meaning and power. Because of this, I ended up hurting a person that I wanted to care about, and by not realizing the mistake I had made until much later…I allowed this person to leave me without realizing how thankful I was for all of the good things. I have always said and tried to believe that people are better than their worst mistakes. I also want to believe the same about relationships.
Even deeper into the past I see my mother. I never want to see her hurt again and I never want to come close to causing someone the emotional toil that she had to endure. I am also scared of being the person that has to hurt. Maybe that is why I am so afraid to start.
Now, where am I at today? I have been single now for a little over a year. Honestly, I have enjoyed it so much. The first couple months were spent just kicking it with the boys and really getting back into the swing of being Kevin Yi and just Kevin Yi. I also accomplished some life goals like graduate from college and get some kind of job. I am also still trying everyday to be obedient and walk humbly with my God.
I have also been on a few dates. I have also been rejected a few times. I have played eye tag with a lot of women at bars. I have spent countless hours on a park bench writing letters to you…the girl I have yet to meet. I wonder if what we have will be simple and beautiful or pressing but rewarding.
I just finished watching Scent of a Woman on Netflix and that is a Korean drama if I have ever seen a Korean drama.
How I hate Korean dramas because they put unrealistic expectations of human relationships into our minds and hearts. Yet I watch them intently and cry like a little girl every time the lead girl is diagnosed with some kind of terminal disease.
I guess what I am trying to get at is this. Today I realized that I know nothing of the word. I have no idea where to find it it, how it works, how it smells, and etc… it is still an incredible mystery to me. I hope that it becomes something that consumes me, because even though I’ve only talked about it in the context of romance…I would like to truly be a lover of people, ideas, and God.
So today a Romanticist dies and a Lover seeks to be born.